I'm not a domestic engineer.... all though that does sound cool.

I hate the title domestic engineer. Can I say that? I'm going to say that. Do you know why? That makes being what I am sound easy and organized. Domestic engineer also sounds like there is a cool uniform and pay check. The title also indicates there should be a step by step manual for the things that have to happen in the course of a day.  It also makes it sound clean and unionized. What I do in the course of the day  is none of those things. I'm a house wife.

Not the cute 1950's version either. If my husband ever comes home to me in an immaculate house dress shaking martini's he's going to assume one of two things. I'm having an affair (ha that requires a level of effort and explaining away the kids) or that dinner is poisoned. He does come home to a clean house, with dinner at some stage of completion, and 95% of the time he even comes home to happy kids. It's just not the stereotypical house of June Clever.

Nor is is the 1990's version either. My husband doesn't come home to a wife who has spent the day eating bonbons, who hasn't fixed dinner, done the housework, and who has no idea where the kids are. I don't prance about in stiletto heels with a bouffant hair do. The fridge is also full and I don't remember the last time he's had to sit down with check book and pay the bills. This isn't the Bundy residence (Peggy and Al's of course not the serial killer).

My job description isn't neat and tidy I don't engineer solutions for my home by following a manual or drafting a design. My role is to handle what needs to be handled. My husband works out side the home and I work inside of it. I am an equal partner even if I don't punch a time clock.  The hours are long, the pay varies from sticky toddler kisses to finding one more pair of dirty undies after finishing what I thought was the last load. So don't say "Oh, your just a housewife" or "soooo what do you like do all day" or my favorite "since your home all day anyway can't you just". My day is full, I don't get to punch our at the end of my shift. My work handles everything waste management to culinary arts to Ikea furniture assembly to doing the shopping to paying the bills . I'm a non militant housewife (seriously it's not for everyone)  not a domestic engineer.

Baltimore's mom of the year

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/04/28/baltimore-mom-slaps-son-riot-freddie-gray/26505237/

I have to admit Moe doesn't always watch the news. It's not because I don't care it's because I just don't make the time to focus on it. To me watching the news often breaks down to either bad things are happening or here is a cute story. So mostly I catch up on events via Facebook. Last night that's what I was doing while putting the Mini Monkey down to bed and I caught the video of the Baltimore mom.

I have to say there has been a lot of different stances on her actions. There also has been a lot of responses made on Facebook and other media posts. My stance is this we are only seeing a few moments of this. Good for her for parenting her son in public. It was obviously not a proud moment for her. She was frustrated and upset. I believe any parent would be. Did she hit him upside the head, yes. Did she use profanity, yes. Was she probably terrified to be in the midst of a riot, with her son participating? How could she not be worried that he too would become a statistic.

Of course with a video that goes viral on Facebook people can get heated. They can make comments that are everything from educational, to silly, or even remarks that are crude and ridiculous. Everyone has the right to have their opinion. What we don't have the right to do is to run someone down because of it. I admit it Moe appears to the casual observer to be just another Caucasian female. It came up in discuss that I couldn't understand what I saw because of the color of my skin. Let's be honest what I saw was a mother correcting her man sized son. A son that she we presume raised from day one, from diapers, to first steps, to first day of school, and so on. I saw a mother who was upset, disappointed, and ashamed of child. I identified with her actions because that's probably what I would be doing too if I caught my man sized son out with a bunch of rioters. I made a judgement based upon a clip of video and my own maternal feelings.

So today I let myself get a little heated in Facebook land. Than I realized I'm judging someone on a few words, a few seconds, and on something that in all honesty they probably aren't going to dwell over. We are all doing our best. Yes there is a peaceful protest that has turned into riots and looting in some parts of Baltimore. Not everyone is Baltimore is part of the problem and the truth is they are going to need to be part of the solution. I'm going to take off my judgy pants and get off my soap box. Right after I say, "Good job, Baltimore mom".

Struggling to be complete

I will never be able to say that I have what is perceived as the perfect life. We aren't rich, thin, or beautiful (ok my kids are beautiful,  my husband is pretty handsome, and when I take the time to get pulled together I don't look like a complete hobo but I digress). For a long time in my youth I chased things that I thought would make me happy. I would work too many hours chasing money that we wasted doing things that didn't make us happy because we weren't doing them to be happy. It wasn't that I was taking the kids to the zoo to watch them have fun it was that I was taking them to check it off the bucket list and prove I was the complete package as a step mom. The same went for drinks with friends it wouldn't be a bar and a cocktail or two it would be a whole evening  out and have to escalate into some wild adventures. The same with wardrobe and accessories I needed to prove I was a grown up now so I needed the designer purse, had to have the suburban mommy outfits and the weekday not mommy outfits. No matter what I did I was feeling hollow and incomplete. Chasing the next something that would make me "happy".

Than we had what I can only term a series of unfortunate events. There were a few years where after the building market collapsed and my "good" job closed the location that we struggled and it wasn't fun. What that time did make me understand is that things while they are nice are never going to make me feel complete. What does make me feel complete is taking pride in what ever I am doing. Raising my kids, cleaning the house, avoiding eye contact with the neighbors, scouring the grocery store for deals, etc. Nights out don't really happen so much but occasionally nights in do because that's what works for my family now. The same applies to movie nights we haven't been to the theatre with the kids in years and we often red box and race to return when something finally comes out. It's not the life we once lived but we seem to enjoy it well enough.

Recently, I was having the complete talk with a friend of mine who has been struggling. This is how I knew I was more complete because I was able to say "XXXX, you are bad guy, but you are not bad guy". That's right I felt complete and fulfilled in my roles as wife, mother, and friend because I was able to give life advise from an animated movie. Why is that you say? Once upon a time I wouldn't of watched the dvd with the kids to remember the line, or I would of been too busy reading a book or dozing in my chair to remember the movie. Now I can give sage life advise based on quality time with my kids.

So I am still struggling to be complete. There are days when I wake up at one am and I just want to go for a walk. It's sometimes overwhelming the responsibility of being wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and all those other titles. I don't know if I will ever feel complete. That I 100 percent have my shit together. What I do know is I'm all right not having all the answers. What I do know is chasing what defines other people's view of success and completion is no way to be happy or complete. It's a good way to continue to feel inadequate and miss out on wonderful moments because you want them to be something they aren't. Or as one of my toddler's favorite movies puts it:

So if you need me I won't be checking the comments right away. I have a hot date with a toddler, a dvd, and maybe an secret stash of Easter candy leftovers. That's all I need to feel complete.

Do you really want me to wear the amount of material I can afford?

 

I admit it Moe doesn't often even look at splurging on a new t-shirt for herself. A lot of my wardrobe is a few years old or rescued from the second hand store. However late last night Moe happened to be shopping on line and looking for at a custom printed t-shirt. Now I admit this was a luxury item that I ended up not buying but not because it was a luxury item. No the reason why I didn't click and order was because instead of purchasing the unisex option I went to price the cost of a women's t-shirt instead. Moe didn't buy herself a new t-shirt of awesome because to get a shirt with less material than the unisex size she would have to pay extra.

 

This isn't just with a specific manufacturer or printer of t-shirts.  Often times even with clearance items there is an extra cost accessed for what is considered a plus size in women's or juniors wear but what is still considered with in the normal realms for unisex or men's wear. Often the item of clothing that is junior's or women's wear is made out of thinner ie less durable fabric that I will have to replace sooner than I would if I bought the equivalent in men's/unisex wear. The fit also when I buy unisex wear isn't as comfortable as if I bought something designed for a woman. My breasts are something that I do have to accommodate for. I can't just say I'm having a bad boob day and take them off. So that generally means paying an additional upsizing fee. So not only am I being charged for being a woman, I'm being charged extra for being a woman with large breasts.  Yet if you look at size chart above a women's large is still smaller than a men's medium. A women's large is also shorter in length than a men's or unisex medium.

 

I know this blog post probably won't change anything in the realm of gender inequality. Moe just won't buy from companies that continue to charge her an upsizing and being a woman fee. There is a difference in fit and feel between women's and unisex/men's sizing. So anything that has an extra fee to cover less won't be bought by me. IF you however you are looking for cheap advertising send Moe a t-shirt...  for no fee across my chest your logo can be.

Love is

When I hear the phrase love is ... I do tend to think of the Bible verse. Love is patient, Love is kind, Love can do no wrong. That is all true. There is a lot more to love though. Sometimes we are not patient, sometimes we are unkind, and sometimes even the best partner acts like an ass (I'm sorry for all the times I have been that partner). 

There is also the side of love that we don't talk about that much. The act of getting up early to make sure that my husband has a dry jacket to wear to work. My husband taking the time to always kiss us good bye before going to work and making sure that the door is locked. These are the silent ways we say I love you, I need you, I want you to be safe and healthy.

I once thought that love meant every day had to be some grand romance. During the first bloom of our relationship it was very much a grand whirl wind romance. We moved in together quite early. Most evenings had us off on some adventure or another. Dinner, drinks, an evening exploring the city, or whatever else struck our fancy. I felt entitled to the little gifts my now husband brought home. I didn't think about the time and effort he put into them. It was all just very much life in the moment.

Our love life now is different. We have gone the distance there have been good times, there have been bad times, there have been years that were fat and years that got pretty skinny. Sometimes we have gone to bed angry and sometimes we have gone to bed in each others arms. I don't always break out the good undies on date night and honestly I can't remember the last time we had a date without chaperone of one of the kids or more. We don't always have the best communication but we manage to get the important things handled one way or another. We aren't the image of romance but I still like to hold his hand. I know when he brings me home a bouquet of flowers or my favorite chocolate bar that he took the extra time and effort to make one more stop after the end of a long day. He knows that when I have a fresh towel and clean sweats waiting next to the shower for him I spent that extra moment thinking of his comfort. We might not have a grand romance but we have love.

So love is waking up next to someone and knowing that you can't imagine being any place else. Even if you went to bed angry the night before. Love is that spark of excitement when the door opens when they come home at night. Love is a husband who will watch Food Network with you even when he would much rather be watching something on Comedy Central. It's that kind of love that gets you through and makes you want to grow old with someone.

Job hunting and the stay at home mother

Being a stay at home mother has been both the hardest and most frustrating jobs of my career. It sounds wonderful the full one on one time with the children but ... yes there is a whole big line of buts.

But 1. People who ask "What do you do everyday" and "How come the house isn't clean". Everyday I handle the day to day operations of the house. That means everything from getting the teenager out the door to school (on time, in clean clothing, wearing deodorant, with breakfast in his belly, and his hair brushed), toddler wrangling, laundry, dishes, clean the bathrooms, buy the groceries, figure out the household finances, fret about the household finances, and anything else that might be an incidental along the way.

But 2. "How many resumes are you sending every week". Since I had the audacity to state us living on one income isn't working people tend to ask me that question. Well that depends on how many positions I find that work around my availability. I can't just jump on every opening and interview willy nilly because going to an interview means I have to have child care. So if it's not a position that is going to work for us long term it is kind of ridiculous for me to take the time, money, and drama of packing up a toddler to the sitter's in hopes that I will be able to bring home a short term paycheck.

But 3. "Why don't you do something for yourself". Things like going out to coffee, drinks, or dinner with friends cost money. Which means as I presently don't bring in money I am spending my husband's money for my leisure. While I know he doesn't begrudge me it's awful hard to justify spending a 1/3 of an hour of his work on a cup of coffee when I know there are other places it could be going. Like the never ending bills and cost of groceries.

So in short I really am doing my best. If you are coming over to see my house please book your visit weeks in advance so I can attempt to guarantee a level of cleanliness equal to your expectations. If you ask me what I did all day when you see me post about making my family a home cooked meal, going to a job interview, and managing to wrangle groceries expect the look of death and maybe some profanity slung your way.  I know society expects it to be a breeze based on what we see on the television, or those cute optimistic blog posts from mommy's in higher income brackets, and as much as I wish it was all television and bonbons sometimes it's catching toddler barf in one hand while saving the email to recruiter in the other.

Being a broken hearted step mother

I don't know how else to put it. Everyday my 16 year old stepson  asks me why am I angry and it's not even that I have ever been angry. It's that I am disappointed, hurt, and broken hearted by the choices that he's made and that path that he is taking. A path that he admits probably isn't going to lead him any place he really wants to go. This past year when he made the choice to move in with us my husband and I did everything to make the transition happen smoothly.

We started off with him making all the right promises.

 That this year would be different he would apply himself to his academics, he would get caught up on last years classes, and no of course we wouldn't have the missing homework issues. Here it is almost at the end of the 1st semester and he has 5 Fs. I have spent time talking with him, so has my husband. Emailing the teachers for a list of the missing assignments, finding out what he needs to do to make up assignments, or why he is failing those assignments. Asking him to go in early and stay after for the assistance that is provided by his teachers. We have had to make the decision to take away the xbox, laptop, and wifi still no change. This morning I went to grab his laundry and found that he had left behind the book he needs to be reading for his English class.

There was also the chore discussion when he moved in. That everyday he needs to make some contribution to the welfare of the household. Nothing big was expected just check the garbage and recycling and if they needed to be taken out, take them out.  To make sure that before he left for school any dirty clothing was in the pile for the wash and the clean and folded clothing was put away. Dishes that were had been used needed to be rinsed and in the sink. It hasn't happened, we have reverted to a similar system that I use for the toddler which is I put the clothing away for him because at some point I got tired of having the clothing I had just washed be thrown back into the dirty clothing pile because it's easier to do that way that do 5 loads of laundry a day and wonder why I am losing my damn mind. Where on the regular I do dish patrol to round up something that was left in his room. When the garbage gets full 9 times out of 10 either I take it out or the husband does because I just can't stand to have full garbage in the house.

The big 16 birthday and no driver's license or permit situation. That's because the deal was he needed to go forth and find a little job to help pay those fees if he wanted to become a driver. It's not because we are mean parents it's because driving is a huge responsibility and a privilege. So if it's desirable than we need to see some initiative. Showing us that he could go to school make passing grades and devote 10-15 hours outside of the house to contribute to that expense was the deal. So far he's made the choice to not look for a job.

In the 8 years I have been an adult in his life we have had a lot of struggles. I feel right now that I have failed somehow but I am not giving up. You don't get to give up on your kids and even if he's not biologically mine I'm not quitting. I just need a little extra faith, hope, and maybe some pixie dust. If nothing else some duct tape for my heart. There is nothing more that I want for him than to see him thrive. To find something that motivates him to do better, to be better, and to have him ready to launch safely and successfully out of the nest in the next 2 years. It's going to take even more work. Probably a lot more heartache but we will not give up.